I have been putting of writing this post because it makes my heart squeeze in a painful and persistent way and immediately as I type the words, all the muscles in my larynx tense up until it feels like I have a golf ball wedged somewhere past my tonsils. I am not sure why I needed you to know that, but I did.
[Deep breath]
Two and a half weeks ago, on October 2, my friend Nicole died surrounded by her family. It was not unexpected, but it was hard just the same. I have already shared an abbreviated version of
Nicole's story, so I won't go into that again here.
I cannot remember the first time I met Nicole, but based on the fact that I met her cousin Stacey (my best friend and the closest thing I will ever have to a sister) when I was three, I am guessing I met her somewhere in my preschool-kindergarten years. I started seeing her a lot more frequently when Nicole's family built a house right next door to Stacey's when Stace and I were five or six.
As you may know from knowing Nicole, or as you may have assumed from experience, the "e" in Nicole is intended to be silent. I liked to pronounce it anyway.So many of my memories with Stacey include Nicole. Some of them are just everyday kid-things (or at least everyday things for kids in the country) like picking blueberries, riding horses/four-wheelers/bikes/scooters/pogo sticks, building forts, catching kittens, tire-swinging and walking the tracks. Others are from special occasions, like the fourth of July, camping trips, sleepovers and birthday parties. Some of my all time favorite memories of Nicole are from playing one of our favorite sleepover games, fondly known as hide-and-go-seek-tag-in-the-dark.
In case you are not familiar with the game or played with different rules, a quick explanation. In my world, this game is played exclusively at Stacey's house and it must be dark, not dusky with the last rays of the sun slowly fading, but
dark. People split off in teams of two and one team guards the base (aka the big tree in Stacey's yard) while the other teams hide. Once the hiding time is over, one person on the team guarding the base leaves in hunt of the hiders while the other stays to try and tag those brave enough to leave their hiding places to make a run for the tree. Your team is only safe if both members reach the tree without being tagged. Stacey's house is perfect for it, because her family lives on a good deal of property with several buildings on it. Lots of barns and sheds and carports means lots of shadowy hiding places.
I love this game. It is best when you have lots of people, so Stacey's summer birthday sleepover was a great time to play, but it is also the kind of game that is hard to pass up on a nice summer night. I spent a lot of my summer nights at Stacey's and we often put together a game consisting of me, Stacey, her sister April, Nicole, Nicole's brother Ryan, and whoever else was staying over at either house (often another cousin or friend.) Nicole was fun to team up with because she knew the property so well, but also because she liked to scare the people she was hiding with. You have to remember, this game is played in the dark, on property right next to the railroad tracks. We abandoned more than one night of sleeping in the yard in a tent by sharing horror stories about people who walked the tracks looking for unsuspecting youngsters to murder while they slept in tents.
We played less as we got older, but we always played. Some of the best games were the ones that Shefali played in. Nicole was really good at scaring Shefali. I can remember more than one occasion when I would be off hiding or guarding the tree and I would hear Shef's scream and Nicole's peal of laughter.
The last time I played this game was just over a year ago at my bachelorette party. The whole night was fun, but this particular game definitely ranks as a highlight. At this point in her treatment Nicole was a little unsteady on her feet, but there was no way she was sitting out a game of hide-and-go-seek-tag-in-the-dark. She rotated as part of the team guarding the base, tagging people as they tried to sneak by her. When she got tired of guarding she took a turn hiding. Her intimate knowledge of her surroundings and her keen ability to only make a break for it when both guarders were distracted outweighed her physical limitations and helped to her make it to the tree safely.
Her memorial service was October 9th. It was good but so hard. I tried to choke down the golf ball-in-throat sensation, but generally speaking failed spectacularly. And even though I was clinging to it so desperately, I completely lost my composure on three occasions, only just managing to wrestle it back each time.
I can't remember exactly when I met Nicole, but I do know I recognized all of her faces in the slide show that played at the memorial, even the ones from when she was tiny. So many of my memories are laced with her presence.
I can say without hesitation that she is the strongest person I have ever met. I am so glad to have known her.
Rest in peace friend. And if you get a chance, start scoping out a good base tree because as soon as I get up there we are organizing a round of hide-and-go-seek-tag-in-the-dark and I am going to need someone who knows the territory.
Yep that is me on my 5th b-day, queen of the little green apple preschool in my daisy kingdom dress (made by my mother) and wearing my 5 crown. Honestly, I don't remember that birthday, but I hope that I got to stand on that box barking commands all day like a real queen (or at least what I am sure I thought a real queen would do). However, I suspect the pedestal was just for the photo (disappointing, I know).
